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At school, my classmates used to force me to m@sturb@te in front of them and when I couldn't even get an erection, they used to make fun of me.

TW: Mention of Abuse, Suicide etc.



There were five kids in my house, and I was the one who got hit the most. My father was very strict and old-school. He would hit me with whatever he could lay his hands on for even the smallest mistakes, whether it was breaking a glass or forgetting a multiplication table.


When I was in 1st standard, my cousins would often come to stay with us, and during those visits, something unsettling would happen. When I finally gathered the courage to tell my family that I was being @bused, they refused to believe me. I was in 5th standard at the time. They took me to a doctor, who examined me and found no visible injuries or signs of pain, so they dismissed my words. But I told my mother—who was with me that day—that it wasn’t about pain or bruises; I just didn’t want to go through it. From that moment on, she stood by my side.


At school, my classmates used to force me to m@sturb@te in front of them and when I couldn't even get an erection, they used to make fun of me. I gave a handwritten complaint to my supervisor, but no action was taken against the students. Eventually, I ran away from school.


For the first time in my life, I was completely alone. I left Mumbai and made my way to Pune, feeling scared and unsure. I barely knew where I was going—just a vague location near the Golf Club. I got on a bus, and soon, a man started harassing me, insisting that he could find me work. Even as I got off, he continued following me. Just then, I noticed a trans woman calling out to me.



Back then, I was deeply transphobic, so fear gripped me. But when she asked what had happened, I had no choice but to tell her about the man who had been chasing me, claiming he would take me to work. She listened patiently and, to my surprise, was incredibly kind. She asked me to sit with her until the man left, ensuring I was safe. When she learned that I had run away from home without any money, trying to reach a relative’s house in Pune, she even bought me breakfast. Eventually, she called my family and made sure I reached my relative’s home safely.


I was a sharp student, but I struggled in 10th grade, scoring only 51%. I spent a lot of time with friends who understood me, and during this period, I attempted su!c!d3 twice. I also had a friend I’d hook up with, but he passed away after a tragic accident, which deeply impacted me. In college, as the internet boom began in India, I explored more about queer identities. I was religious at the time and conflicted about my s3xuality. This led me to visit a dargah for guidance, where a man asked me to tutor there. I taught for years, but had to leave when I feared my s3xuality would be exposed.



I also had a neighbor with whom I occasionally hooked up. He introduced me to parties where he dressed femininely, which shocked me at first, but I eventually joined their team. At one of these parties, I reconnected with an old senior from the tourism business, and together we started "Satrangi Yatra," a queer-focused tourism and party business.


Initially, my parents were proud of me being in the tourism business, but when they found out it was specifically for queer people, they were unhappy. Still, I pushed forward, and we’ve organized trips to Manali, Goa, Kerala, Rajasthan, and even Thailand, with people from all queer communities.


I came out to my mom and some family members, asking them not to force me into marriage. While my sister understood quickly, the rest of my family struggled to grasp it, mainly fearing that I might be trans. After a long discussion, I explained that these feelings were part of who I am, not a desire to be trans, and asked for their support without judgment. I emphasized that I hadn’t brought shame to the family and would never do so.


Coming out strained my relationship with my mother. I expected this, but her scolding intensified. Many relatives, including my mom, often questioned why I spent so much time with other queer people, especially as I became more involved in the community. I explained that they were my support system, the ones who truly understood my struggles. I told my family, "You don’t have to show up, just let me be. All I need is your support in this."


I’m uncertain about my future. I’m hoping to find someone, whether in an open or closed relationship, or even just as a friend. I feel that finding this person might bring peace to my mind. Alternatively, I’m working on being okay without a relationship, just seeking companionship. I’m currently in therapy and taking medications. My goal is to finish my graduation and become a teacher. Over the past two years, I’ve traveled to many places and met many people. There was a time when I felt so lonely that I often contemplated su!c!d3. But now, with the support of family and friends, I’m doing better. Even some straight friends who once teased me have changed since I came out.


Two and a half years ago, I had heart surgery, and my mother asked me to come back home to recover for a few days. However, I couldn’t stay even for two days because my father kept taunting me, telling me to go back to my place if all I wanted was rest. Since then, I haven’t entered my house. When I visit my mom, I call her from downstairs to talk. I’m still outside my house, hoping to return one day and heal from the @buse, to be a part of the family again.

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