TW: R*pe, Molestation, Bullying, Suicide
People today know me as Christina, but has this been my name all my life? No! I used to be known as Christopher. I was born in a man’s body but always felt like a woman. Society wasn’t accepting of someone who was born in the 80s like me. From then to now, I have been through a lot in my life, I was molested, raped, gang-raped, and constantly abused mentally and emotionally. Nevertheless, I still stand strong as a transgender woman, helping and serving society. Today, I work in an organization in the HR Department in Learning & Development.
I’ve been in the corporate sector for the last 20 years and have worked with some big names. I am scared of people accepting me first, and rejecting me later. Rejection in the beginning doesn’t hurt that bad, it’s easier to move on. Many companies selected me at first but after knowing that I am a trans woman, they made excuses and said, “Sorry the position is closed.” Some even told me upfront that they don't accept people from the LGBTQIA+ community.
Our entire life is like a train journey — you board the train as a passenger when you’re born; as you go and grow, you get to meet your co-passengers like your parents, teachers, friends, and colleagues. When their destination comes, they get off the train, while your life journey continues.
Born and brought up in an Anglo-Indian family, and being a Christian, it was very difficult for me, considering the church, norms, and the nuns. Everyone said, “This is against the Bible, this is a sin, and you’ll never be forgiven.” Initially, when I was trying to discover myself, it wasn’t easy, and took me 20 years to accept myself, so how can I expect others to accept me overnight?
I was very girlish, and I paid a huge price for this. The men in my neighborhood and my family never left an opportunity to tear off my clothes, harass, and sexually abuse me. I gave in helplessly thinking I couldn’t do anything. I used to wonder if it was my fault that I was like this, not knowing that there are others too and it is no one’s fault. Since we were not highly educated and sensitized about such topics, there was no awareness. We never spoke about ‘sex’ in those days. At school, my seniors abused me and I couldn’t do anything about it. When I tried to report them, they threatened me, “We’ll tell the entire society what you are.”
Even my own family wronged me. Every evening my uncle used to visit and carry me on his lap and I just didn’t know what was happening until I was 7 years old. If I protested, he threatened to beat me and tell my parents, so I never had the courage to speak up. When I resisted, my concerns were dismissed and I was told I was overreacting. Once a group of 6-7 boys from my locality gang-raped me. Though these memories are painful, I don’t want them to be erased because this has made me stronger, even though it takes me back to the past and brings me tears. I believe time doesn’t heal anything. It only teaches you to live with those wounds. I hope everyone who’s suffering can speak up. Remember if you feel rejected or lost please ask for help.
I feel no journey is easy. It’s not like I never gave up. I tried committing suicide. It takes a lot of courage to even think about ending your life. There was no counseling then. Gradually I started accepting myself and fighting against people who were demotivating me. So I became my own motivation and decided to never give up. I am someone who loves myself, and I give credit to myself for who I am today. Even when I was going through my sex reassignment surgery, I was all by myself at the hospital. I paid my bills, signed the bonds, spoke to the doctors, and did everything on my own.
When I moved to Delhi, I got a job and gradually started exploring my identity. I visited a psychologist, who said, “This is a sickness.” Imagine a doctor telling you, “ye bimaari hai, aap medicine lo, ye theek ho jayega, koi baat nahi.” Since I didn’t know any better, I thought the doctor was right. But, when I learned about the LGBTQIA+ community, I felt safe opening up to people about myself. My resilience helped me survive challenging times.
But I had to move back to Kolkata after my surgery, and everyone said, “How can you live like this, no one will accept you. You should hide your identity. Be like a boy.” I was forced to chop my hair. My educational certificates and medical documents were burnt. So I couldn’t do what I wanted. My cousins weren’t supportive either. They told me that I’d committed the sin of getting gender surgery done.
Around this time, I started working with the missionary of a charity. I helped homeless people who were suffering, both physically and mentally. This taught me detachment from materialistic stuff and human beings. I went to slums, educated underprivileged children, fed them, got sponsors, and worked wholeheartedly for them. This also gave me some recognition in society. I was surprised and humbled when I received the REX KARMAVEER GLOBAL Award for my contribution to society. Unfortunately, while I was receiving this award, some people at the award show, said, “ye transgenders to bimaari hai, ye hamare samaaj ko khokla kar degi.” But I was courageous enough to stand up against this sick mentality. I learned to be myself and be unapologetic.
I was one of the first transgender women hired by Godrej Capital and they have accepted me as I am. I got an opportunity to host their annual Above and Beyond Award show in Mumbai where I also received awards for my work performance. I want to tell society that when transgender people are given an opportunity, they can showcase their talent. I’ve set a benchmark for those who feel trapped in a man’s body and are not able to accept themselves. I stand for them and I’ll be their voice. I dedicate my success to all the trans women who are yet to come out of the closet. I believe that the closet is meant for clothes and shoes, not for human beings. People should free their souls, come out, and live freely.
Inclusion is a long road. Even in an inclusive organization such as mine, there are people who aren’t. Not just workplaces, but change is required everywhere. In my initial days in Mumbai, I struggled to find a place to live. But I took this as a challenge as I don’t walk away when things get difficult. I want to tell my community that you are beautiful and smart. Start believing in yourself because self-acceptance is when the true magic happens. You are loved!
If I had a magic wand I would like to change the government and revolutionize the education sector. My message to society - “Don't tell your girls not to go out at night. Teach your boys to behave themselves around girls and be kind to transgender people.” We should be kind and compassionate with each other. I wish I could start my own NGO so I can educate everyone and help people. As much as everyone has a right to live they also have a right to die in a dignified way. If I could, I would make this world a better place for everyone.
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