I realized I was more efficient that I though myself to be, so chose a name that summed up my entire existence.

Written by Anonymous

Queerspeak 1.0

In the valleys nestled among the mountains, where rivers flow, and pine trees proudly stand with outstretched branches, there is a place people call as “MY HOME.” A place where someone is supposed to be wrapped in love, a place where the soul gets shelter away from the scorching heat of world. I opened my eyes for the first time in this paradise and have spent my childhood playing in the lap of nature, just being carefree and away from all the worries.

I was loved very much and pampered for the way I used to get dressed because that made me look cute in the eyes of my people. I loved it that I was allowed to be the boy I was, little did I know that the world around me was changing and so were MY PEOPLE. I was growing with the light of love, compassion and was just being my authentic self, but the people who were supposed to be my shelters and safe spaces, turned their backs towards me. When I was looking up to them to just hold me in their arms, they were pushing me away and making me feel like I was doing something very bad by just existing.

This started shrinking the world around me, the carefree bird who used to just soar high in the sky and thought of changing the world was now put into a GOLDEN CAGE. I was still struggling with my existence being denied by my own people but there was more to come. I had to switch school and the new environment wasn’t welcoming. I was forced to wear clothes that ripped my soul apart. New people saw me as a source of banter and the old friends withdrew their support saying their parents do not approve of them being friends with me because I was different.

This was heart breaking for the kid who only knew unconditional love. They say time flies, but I felt like I was stuck in a blackhole of pain, tears, and fears. Every single second felt like light years. Somehow, I survived all the hail and was able to keep the lamp of compassion burning inside my soul. Then I landed in college and found this one girl who was compassionate and had love in her heart. She melted all the ice around me and the warmth of love was like the cozy sunshine of winters. Just like the sweet sips of masala chai, this love made me fall in love with myself. I started discovering about myself and then thought maybe I was a lesbian because back then not many people used to speak about transmen.

I was struggling like a different piece of puzzle at a place which wasn’t fitting anywhere, then like every teenage person I created my virtual home in secrecy in the world of internet. This voyage led to discovery of an online group for transmen. One day they had a virtual meeting where they were answering all the queries related to trans men.

This was a life changing moment for me, I realized who I was, their words echoed inside my heart and resonated with my soul. All the chains that were holding me as a hostage immediately melted and I could feel the fresh air filling inside my lungs.

A tear dropped from my eyes, but it wasn’t merely water, it took away all the burden out of my soul with it. I felt like I was revived again. This self-discovery made me love myself even more. I was grateful to the universe for choosing me to be here. 

I realized I was more efficient that I though myself to be, so chose a name that summed up my entire existence. I am Samaksh ( efficient, capable) Singh, a king without a crown and as I stand at the threshold of the future, waiting for what lies ahead, my heart is whispering,

“Though it is hailing right now,

The Sun will surely Shine.

Life may not be in my favor,

But the spirits are mine.

I will see the glory of finding destination one day,

Till then I will stand strong in the face of adversity and will find my way.”